To Fill My Cup

Re: Why is Taylor Sirard always drawing X's?

Those who have spent extended time with me in the past two years have probably noticed the blue journal I carry around. Excluding some periods of neglect, I have used this journal every day since February 2016. It includes self-made calendars, to-do lists, spending trackers, notes, schedules, long-term goals, and my daily practices. [After two years my journal is only half full, which is why I'm in love with the method I use.] This journal is my self-authored bible.

Some who have noticed my cobalt companion have seen me open to a page of X's placed in a grid. They watch with bated breath as I add a few X's to the apparently random pattern and close the journal. "What does it all mean?" they wonder with a furrowed brow. To the tens of people who have witnessed my enigmatic planning skills, finally, I will answer your burning question. To the rest of the world, bare with me.

To thoroughly answer this question we'll need to journey back in time.

*diddly-oo diddly-oo diddly-oo*

[Graphic: gif of Wayne's World scene signaling a time transition in the movie.]

[Block Quote Content Warning: Substance Abuse] 

It was mid-fall of 2015. I was in my fourth year of undergrad, and my second at Northern Michigan University. Months prior I had turned twenty-one, the legal drinking age, entering a new world of very public mistake making. I was surrounded by people, including myself, who cared about fun, drugs, and attention more than we did ourselves. My home life was extremely stressful, and my lack of direction equally so. The intimate relationships I had at the time were either over or disintegrating. I was exhausted, heartbroken, angry, and utterly lost.

I coped in the same way everyone else around me did(not to suggest it was anyone else's fault): partying. It became routine for me to stay out until six in the morning. It became routine for me to go out every weekend, all weekend. I knew the bartenders better than I did the patrons and I knew exactly who to ask for any other fix I was interested in.

One morning I returned to my apartment, swaying my way up the stairs. I kicked my shoes off somewhere near the rack and took wide, heavy steps toward my bed. I reached for the mini trashcan to discover it had been already lined with a plastic bag. "That must be from last time I dry-heaved myself to sleep," I thought as I pulled the can against my mattress. This thought set off an internal alarm.

Amidst dissatisfying retches began my reckoning. For the first time I questioned how regular my partying had become. How many weekends had I gone out recently? How often did my nights end like this, with my chin leaning over the edge of my mattress? When was the last time I engaged in a social activity sober? As I watched the image of my room rhythmically overlap itself, slightly off-register each time, I resolved to overhaul my weekends.

Then I realized it was Wednesday.

After admitting I had fallen into some very unhealthy habits, I knew I wanted to create new ones. I began doing research and found the expansive world of self-care. At the time I was disgusted by the world around me, and my research(persuasive YouTubers) told me that in order to change the world, I had to change myself. 

(ENTER THE MIRACLE MORNING, YOGA CAMP, BULLET JOURNAL)

The above sources of self-care information completely changed the way I operate, and I still actively use all three. Maybe their impact was due more to me finding them in a time of need, and less to the specific information they provide. Either way, I am grateful they worked. I'm not saying that these are the self-care holy trinity, but b**** they might be. I recommend them to anyone who is looking to do some self-work.

In October 2015 I read Hal Elrod's The Miracle Morning. I learned that having a morning routine changes my day, and therefore my life. Throughout the following January, I followed 'Yoga Camp,' a 30-day yoga practice by my favorite YouTube yogi, Adriene. By February I had bought my blue notebook and started my Bullet Journal, an analog system to organize it all.

My methods of organizing and planning within that Bullet Journal have evolved over time; some methods have been completely discarded. One tactic that has remained a part of my monthly planning, since the beginning, is my daily practices page. Every month I draw a table of practices I strive to maintain regularly, if not daily.

The origin of this idea is the "Habit Tracker" in The Miracle Morning. Elrod suggests it as a way to stay accountable to his prescribed morning routine. My first habit tracker didn't stray much from his format.

[Image: A table labeled "February Habits." Twenty-nine numbered columns, representing days are across the top. On the left are ten rows of habits described below. X's are marked throughout the table.]

It includes Elrod's 'life SAVERS' followed by a few habits I added. SAVERS is an acronym for Elrod's morning routine:

Silence: Meditation
Affirmation: The repetition of affirming phrases. For example "I am capable."

Visualization: Taking time to vividly imagine an ideal life.
Exercise: Waking up the body.

Reading: Learn something every day.
Scribing: Keep a journal.

I've since reworked the habit tracker. September of 2016 saw the biggest overhaul of my formula.

[Image: A table similar to the previous. Labeled "September Habits." A line is drawn through "Habits" and "Practices" is written to the right. Several of the row labels (habits) are crossed out and changed as described below.]

There was a lot of rewording for this month. Language can completely change how I feel about a goal or task, so I chose my words with intent. Instead of "habits," a word often used to speak of unhealthy actions, I chose "practices." 

I replaced "two-three hours [working on my] top goal" with "grind." Thus, I smile every day when I think about the work I need to do. That is powerful. 

Exercise? Ugh. Move? I sure as heck can do that.

"Going outside" is what boring adults do to check the mail. I "adventure" because I have an important mission to love myself, darn it. 

The language I use to describe my practices is just as important as the practices themselves. My goal in what I plan is to add value to my life. My goal in how I plan is to make adding value a fun and positive experience. 

As much as I desire that value, there are times when it doesn't happen. There were a handful of months when I never made a table. Some months, I didn't make a table until a week in. As you can see from the month below, my practice tables can be sparse.

[Image: A table similar to the above images. Columns start at thirteen, representing the thirteenth day of the month. Very few X's are marked throughout the table.]

Part of planning is, inevitably, falling short of the plan. It's taken me a long time to realize that is okay. The point isn't that I have a full grid of X's. These tables are a way for me to set an intention and stay focused on what I find important. [Hint: it's me]

Today, my grid has expanded to seventeen self-care habits as you can see below in the January 2018 table. 

It might seem like a lot to attempt every day, but some of these habits are as simple as taking vitamins. Sometimes, multiple practices can be crossed off after one action. For example, "Grind" can overlap "Create," or "Adventure" can encompass "Move." Still, these tables are more about intention and focus, than making sure I complete seventeen tasks every day.

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Over the past couple years my intentions have evolved into a consistent self-care practice. This bled out into every area of my life. I started to treat myself with care and stopped accepting less from anyone else. My living situation improved, my relationships blossomed, and I found jobs in a healthy environment.

In the end, caring for myself is about that bleeding out. It is about creating an internal environment that feels good because I know my external environment will reflect that. My practices allow me to feel well enough to care for those around me and for this planet. That is what it means 'to fill my cup.' I fill my cup with love until it overflows.

In order to do so, I draw X's.

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