Thoughts of Today

To someone, somewhere, long after this is all over:

It was hard. It was really, really hard. But we always kept telling each other we were doing okay. That it wasn't that bad, which was also true.

We know that we are fortunate in so many ways. We still have everything we need for survival. Not everyone does. We can still speak to our loved ones over the phone, sometimes even through a video chat. We still have access to endless entertainment, a wide variety of food, and almost everything we did before. But now, we order it online. Some people wear masks when to pick it up. The rest gets delivered to our doorstep. 

In all of our fortune within chaos, I see something gut-wrenchingly obvious. We didn't earn it. We are running off of a value system that justifies someone's right to a bag of candy over someone's right to survive. 

Sometimes I see it nothing more than that. What we are experiencing is all evidence of brokenness. I hope it serves as a mass unveiling of truth only some people saw before. Yet some people still don't value caring for each other and the place we live.

Other times I see beauty and resilience. I see the colored-paper hearts in dozens of windows when I walk around my neighborhood. I see groups of people taking up arms of peace by holding planetary-wide ceremonies. I make art with my community. I remember how good touch feels, and how heart-sore I am without it. 

It is true that we ache for each other. Even though we have conflict, we are worse off alone. Introverts and extroverts both still need other people. 

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I don't remember the day our quarantine started. Sometime in mid-March. It is the end of April now. Everyone is talking about what is happening in one way or the other.

How are you doing? This is hard for all of us. Thank you, healthcare workers. We support our postal workers. Stay strong. New normal. In these trying times. In uncertain times. Global crisis. I am coming unglued. I completely understand. Take care. It is good to see your face. I can't wait. Who knows? I hope you are safe and well. We are doing what we can. Limited hours. Stay safe. Stay home. We are adapting the best we can. Postponed. Canceled. Closed until further notice. Due to COVID-19. Global pandemic. Quarantine. Just checking in. When this is all over. How to make a facemask. How to work from home. Crazy times. I just don't know. 

These are the words everyone is using right now. I wish it wasn't all the same, but I am usually unable to say anything else either. Maybe it could go like this:

Hello,

Today I noticed...

What is something you noticed today?

Outside the sky is...

Outside the air is...

Outside the plants are...

What is your environment like today?

Today I...

Here let me show you... 

Will you share something you did today?

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I don't know if this conversation would go any better than other conversations I have had. Maybe it would feel more honest.

Today I noticed that I am resistant to receiving love within vulnerability. I noticed I am full of a criticism that rots me, inside out. I noticed that I am far from unconditional love, although I value it above all else. 

Outside the sky is an even gray, with no defining shapes of clouds. The air is still, cool, and damp. Outside the trees are mostly bare, but some are starting to bud. Some flowers are already blooming. Inside, my house plants need watering. Some of their leaves are drooping.

Today, I tried to write into the complexities of what I am feeling. Thank you for letting me show you.

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