WITS Goes Mental (Health) Ep. 3
Well folks,
The last episode of WITS Goes Mental (Health) was a video I filmed at the turning of the new decade. What a precious and naive woman I was just eight months ago. I had a big idea about how I wanted to focus on clarity, finances, and health. Most importantly I was resolutely going to give up alcohol.
And I did, for a few months. Then, well we all know what happened then. To be honest, my sobriety wasn't strong enough for a global pandemic, and it certainly isn't strong enough for the new turning point in the fight for racial justice. It has taken me a long time to be able to admit that here on the blog, but there it is.
The more I reflect on it, what I come to realize is my energy is elsewhere right now. And I'm okay with that. The focus, and distraction, it took for me to remove drinking from my life took a lot of work. I am so grateful I experienced it for those few months. I believe it is something I will attempt again in the future.
Right now my focus and energy are on justice, education, obtaining and sharing resources, and slowing the FUCK down. (Pre-quarantine my schedule was time-blocked in 30-minute increments.)
So, how is my mental health? Not great. Not terrible. But for the very first time that is validated. What I mean is that I have always been affected by what is going on in my country and the world. I have cried at injustices that aren't directly affecting me and been told I shouldn't let myself feel it. As it turns out, denying your emotions IS a tool of oppression. Feeling your emotions IS a tool of liberation.
Now, many more people are standing up, speaking out, and recognizing that our mental health is impacted by society at large. In the words of clinical psychologist, Dr. Jennifer Mullan, "To decolonize therapy is to reconnect to the humanization of therapy, to include systems of oppression into our therapy practices and analysis...as well as to center the person and their cultural and political identities back into the Work."
The idea that I shouldn't let the active harm of any group of people affect me, so I can go about my life as a good wealth producer is a colonial, white supremacist idea. Any idea that values my comfort, as a white woman, over the lives and well-being of BIPOC is a white supremacist idea.
So, I have leaned into discomfort fully. I am trying to have uncomfortable conversations, be at uncomfortable events, learn uncomfortable lessons, and identify with uncomfortable parts of myself.
I share this while knowing and embodying that discomfort cannot be constant. I still hold rest, ease, and spaciousness as sacred ways of being.
Right now, the work of my mental health is managing that balance. Rest and Fight. Ease and Discomfort. Being and Doing. Both sides are crucial.
It has taken a lot to reach this work of balancing. Below are my raw, unedited (with the exception of an omission) journal entries from throughout quarantine and the pandemic. They are my thoughts and feelings before being made pretty for a blog post. I hope being vulnerable in this way offers some value to you.
March 31st, 2020
The path to being: If the first step is learning to connect with yourself, the second step is learning how to connect with yourSelf around other people. This practice is enabled only when you feel of equal value and worth to others.
Connect with yourself.
Go within yourself,
Highest self, all-self.
April 24th, 2020
I am roughly thirty-nine hours in[to a water fast.] I haven't had much sleep. My body, mostly lower back, has been in pain whenever I lie down. Today I want to make sure I am spending time sitting up with good posture.
I am really struggling, not with hunger, but with having nothing to soothe, ease, or distract me.
I have been noticing lately (the past four months) how upset I feel when those around me make choices I deem unhealthy or unethical. I know I feel the same disapproval of myself, but I'm stuck. Shouldn't one feel bad for acts that cause harm? Isn't that a properly working moral compass?
I don't know. If feel half-in and half-out, like I can't commit fully to a life that aligns with my values.
I am worried I have gotten so used to numbing my feelings and disconnecting from my heart center, that I can't unlearn it. Even when I take away all of the anesthetics, there is a resistance to fully feeling.
I remember dropping into my heart space when I was in Thailand, after my session with Wendy. I honestly don't know if I could get back to that. Not in my environment.
April 29th, 2020
Today I was asked by one of my old employers if I could come back to work a few hours per week. It would be in-person work, cleaning mostly. I don't know if I want to do it. I don't want to take on more than I can handle. On the other hand, I have been feeling pretty severe depression symptoms this past week. It might help to force myself to get out of the house, walk, and be doing work for someone else. We'll see.
I also have a meeting in about an hour regarding a possible really big career move for me. If that starts moving, I don't want to be overcommitted. I imagine getting that off of the ground will be a lot of work.
It has been raining for a few days. I started an everyday biking routine, but I haven't been able to keep up with it. I need to find some indoor ways to stay more active than the little bits of yoga I have been doing.
The Michigan quarantine is officially extended to May 15th. I wonder how many extensions we will see? So many people are pushing to "re-open the economy" as if the economy itself is a life more worth fighting for than actual forms of life.
I think part of the reason I am so hesitant to return to work at my old job is that I am absolutely terrified of things returning to the way they were before. It seems like any step backward is way too far in the wrong direction.
May 3rd, 2020
*The entry below is related to seeing a COVID-19 coupon code. For privacy reasons, I will not go into detail about the circumstances surrounding the coupon.*
...I cried for a long time. People think there is something wrong with the way I viscerally react when I see harm being done. I don't know if they are right, but I am absolutely exhausted making actions that I know oppose my morals. It is so life-draining to participate in a system of patriarchal abuse of living things.
We cause so much fucking harm for the most stupid, insignificant shit. We are absolutely drenched in material garbage, which does not do any good long-term. And yet we keep going. Even after we know and can see it is literally collapsing our societies. We are doomed. And we are still so obsessed with working, consuming, and money we are willingly running into the arms of doom.
I have no idea how the fuck to change this. I have no idea how to stop. I have no idea how not to be a part of the problem.
But I think it starts by taking a stand. By refusing to participate in things I know are causing harm. Further yet, by participating in things that actively create a more fulfilling a sustainable planetary ecosystem. I know it includes listening to my gut, my heart, and that inner voice that tells me what is true.
May 5th, 2020
I feel the call to be greater than I have ever been. Greater in my character, in my integrity, my humility, and vulnerability. In the past I have ignored parts of myself I know I need to feel alive. I have ignored my intuition and moral compass.
Now, more than ever, I know I must listen. I know I must place an open palm on my chest and hear what resonates from that space. I am still afraid. I am still unsure. I still have no idea what the fuck I am doing. But I know where I can check in to see if I am on the right path. I know when something doesn't feel right. And I know despite so fucking much of the world telling me that how I feel is not important, it is.
Do not mistake me. This does not mean I avoid feeling difficult feelings. It means I explore them. It does not mean that my comfort and ease should take precedent over caring for the whole. It does not mean that emotions are the only type of intelligence I rely on.
I trust I will find a way. I trust I will have everything I need. I trust that, by incorporating the whole of my intelligence and experience, I will be creating more harmony within the human race.
The universe itself is already in perfect harmony. We are experiencing massive harm to our [human] race because we have inflicted massive harm. We are experiencing instability because we have made life unstable for others. Nature/harmony/balance will take her course. We can try to fight against it or we can go with her.
I will stop listening to the advice of people unless I want to live the way they do. I will stop participating in the perpetuation of harm and destruction and overconsumption. I will wield the song of my heart like a shield.
Yesterday, I would have laughed at my words. Tomorrow I could do the same.
I know I won't always feel the connection to my heart-space, and I won't always listen to it. But I speak from it now so I can know what it feels like to let that part of me shine. So I can remember how to listen. So I can see that it is possible. And so that, when I lose that connection, I can find my way back.
May 11th, 2020
The challenge has been presented: Act From the Heart. Do it now with gusto.
I have no idea what the fuck I am supposed to do. I know that most people don't. Here is what I do know:
I want my work to be a gift of energy to the whole of the planet.
I want to live in communion with nature, in balanced giving and receiving.
I want to nurture my body, mind, and soul. I want to empower others to do so.
I want to heal and stay present.
I was not doing that before. I was moving too fast. I was outputting energy carelessly and consuming absently. I must not go back to that.
I will trust that it is okay I don't know all of the answers yet. I will trust that it is okay I am afraid.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. I celebrated by arranging a video chat with my mom and sister. Unfortunately, my sister couldn't make it. She had to take a phone call from her friend who is sick in a hospital alone. She isn't allowed visitors due to the pandemic. They don't know what is wrong with her.
My mom and I talked about motherhood. I asked her what the best part is, but she couldn't come up with an answer. I asked her what the worst part is. She told me the hardest part is when your children say something really hurtful, not on purpose, and pretending like your heart isn't breaking. I didn't know exactly what she meant. She explained that she had to pretend because it wasn't about her.
I asked if I were about to be a mother, what advice would she give me. She took a long moment to fantasize about that possibility. My mom has been wanting grandbabies since I was a teenager. She didn't have any advice to give.
I asked if I were her friend and I were pregnant, what would she say? She said to cherish the time you have with them because children grow up "way, way too fast."
Somehow, the conversation ended with her telling me how proud she was of me. That, even if I were the child of someone else she would be proud of me. How very mom-like of her. Even on the day that is supposed to be about her, it's not.
Maybe that is the hardest part she was talking about. That when you raise a child, so much of your life becomes this other human. Your identity becomes your care-taking role. So much so that even a day dedicated to you, is really about someone else. It's about your love and care for another person.
June 6th, 2020
This weekend I camped at the mouth of the Huron River, a spot on the southern shore of Lake Superior. Mama. It's the first name that comes to me every time I plant my feet near her waves.
I have been outside more than inside during this surprisingly hot and sunny Upper Peninsula summer. I have made music in the rain, I have slept on the ground, I have swum naked in the sun and moonlight, and I have spent chunks of time disregarding the existence of my smartphone and my shoes.
It is in the full presentness of these moments I am most happy and I am most free. It is radiant heart-bursting joy. Held up to that light is deep anguish and rage. The immediate and stark contrast has highlighted both types of emotions. I have never been more grateful for joy. I have never been more sure of suffering.
Guilt and shame are a part of this experience, too. In feeling them I ask myself, "Is what I am doing causing harm to myself or others?" If yes, "What do I need to do differently?"
About a year ago, I began devoting most of my free time to community work. This dynamic continues even now, but with a focus on current issues of racial inequality and social justice. There is no pursuit with more work to do than the field of justice. Racial justice, economic justice, food justice, environmental justice, indigenous justice, housing justice. The list is long.
Can we justify the embodiment of freedom before everyone is free? To answer this question, I consider the alternative: constant working, fighting, and acting. It is true that some people have had no choice but to survive in the mode of always working, fighting, and acting. Yet, how can we expect to swim if we only ever run? How can we know the freedom we are fighting for if we never experience it?
I don't believe we can resist white supremacist hetero-patriarchal ideals through acting within them. This system tells us some people are not inherently worthy of the resources that provide a safe and healthy life. Instead, we are to hold wealth production above all other pursuits. Wealth above family, wealth above health, wealth above pleasure, wealth above community, wealth above life.
We worship action and productivity, but these are tools of our oppression. If we stay tired, hungry, and miserable we are unable to fight for ourselves. We willingly surrender our freedom and integrity.
I challenge myself to consider the possibility that joy is an act of revolution. Times of rest and recuperation are essential in the fight for justice. This allows me to return to action, struggle, and rage with a clear mind and steadied heart.
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