Unsure

Re: How is Taylor Sirard?

Most days I feel so grateful to be free, and creating the life of my dreams. However, somedays it feels like I am battling myself. I feel confused, and doubts cloud all of my self talk. This was one of those days.

It was late evening as I sat in a coffee shop. The overhead lights shot straight down in a way that made me feel interrogated. Every so often I would quietly let a few tears release. I couldn't decide whether I would rather someone notice, or not.

I opened up my journal and wrote:

Today didn't feel great. I realized that my desire to be alone is just my desire to feel comfortable doing the things I love. Those things don't require solitude. They require me being comfortable with myself. I don't have that yet. It feels so defeating.

I know I am just missing the things that keep me well. Movement, singing, human touch, routine.

I have good days, really good days. But the bad ones are overwhelming. I have been so tired lately. I think I know why, but fixing that requires complete self-confidence. What until then?

Maybe I should start running. Why is running through a park more normal than dancing? Why do I care?

I want to sing everywhere, even when I don't feel sure.

What a pointless fear to have, worrying what other people will think of me.

I am proud of how much I have overcome here. It was a lot worse than it is now. I didn't choose it, either. It was learned and engrained. It's how a lot of [products] are sold, especially to women.

I then switched to a visual representation of how I felt:

[Image: A doodle of me driving behind the text, "Are We Whole Yet?"]

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